My friend has cancer! How can I help?
"My friend was just diagnosed with breast cancer. How do I help her?"
I've now lost count of the number of people who have called, texted, or pulled me aside to ask this question. And, unfortunately, with 1 in 8 women being diagnosed with breast cancer during their lifetime, this question will continue to get asked.
Dear friend who is concerned and rocked by a diagnosis of someone you care about, please hear this: cancer is an opportunity.
Cancer is an opportunity for you to support someone, encourage someone, or simply cheer a person on!
Whether you're a family member, a friend, a co-worker, or an acquaintance, there are many ways to support a patient.
The most important way? Check in. At all points of the process. But I’ll remind you about that at the end of the post.
First, get organized.
Let’s start with identifying a point person. Who has the time and ability to be the organizer of all the things? (Answer: Not the patient)
Michelle was my point person for organizing help during treatment - she knows our family well and had a good idea of what we needed.
I asked my best friend, Michelle, to be my point person. When people would ask me "what can I do?" I'd give them Michelle's contact information and then she would send out my needs via a newsletter and Sign-Up Genius. Michelle set up and monitored a Meal Train, a frozen meal collection, as well as a grocery list.
Here’s why this was so important: I didn’t have to do any thinking! I didn’t have to come up with answers, I didn’t have to create a chart. I simply handed out Michelle’s contact information and names magically appeared on lists, food magically arrived to our house, and people magically knew our needs without my oversight.
Michelle has a gift for taking care of people, and her ability to coordinate what we needed was one of our biggest blessings throughout treatment.
Now, bring on the help!
Here are the most notable ways you can help someone going through cancer, but keep in mind that each person's situation is different. Someone with kids may not have the same needs as someone living alone, so use this as a guide, not a rulebook.
EVERYONE HAS TO EAT!
Being a family of four, food provided to us was a significant help.
We had this request divided up three ways:
My go-to coffee shop, Jubala in Raleigh, would surprise me with treats and inspiring notes when I’d come in during treatment.
Meal Train - The Meal Train allowed people to bring fresh food to the house or to our drop-off location. This was especially helpful for Carl on weeknights, it made getting home from work and having a good meal for him and the girls very easy.
Frozen Meals - We knew that we didn’t need the Meal Train for every night of the week, but we also knew there would be times when we’d just need something easy to prepare for the family. Each month during treatment, Michelle had a few people sign up to bring frozen meals. This way we always have something in the freezer that we could grab at a moment’s notice.
Grocery Pick-Up - Even though we had meals coming to the house, we still needed staples in the cabinet. Our staples were mostly produce and yogurt, and friends would occasionally include a few of their favorite foods, too. Michelle had people sign up to deliver groceries on Sunday afternoons, so we had a stocked fridge going into the new week.
Keep in mind, that providing food for a family going through cancer treatment is not the same as providing meals for new parents. Cancer patients need their rest and may not be up for social interaction (especially during flu season). We requested that all of our frozen food and most of our Meal Train be delivered to my parents’ house (not far from where we live), but you could also leave a cooler on the porch or have a trusted neighbor collect deliveries.
HELP WITH THE DRIVING - THERE’S A LOT OF IT.
Cancer patients are constantly in the car some weeks. Many patients, especially those in the suburbs or rural areas, have to drive lengthy distances to doctor’s appointments, infusions, or daily radiation treatments.
You can help by:
Purchasing gas cards - Be sure to see what gas stations are on the way or near the hospital. Make it easy!
Offer to drive - Treatments are taxing. Having someone else worry about traffic, whether your going 10 minutes or 10 miles is a huge help.
Splurge for a service like Yoshi - If you’re in the Triangle or other major city center, you can gift a gas refueling service! The patient will be able to tell Yoshi where her car is parked, and Yoshi will come 1-2 times per week to fill up the car. This can be in the driveway or in the parking deck at the hospital, but she won’t even have to go to the gas station! (And she’ll feel like a VIP) For the record, I continue to gift this service to myself, and I’m not sorry about it.
THE HOUSE DOESN’T CLEAN ITSELF - AND SHE SHOULDN’T HAVE TO DO IT.
This was the biggest help we didn't know we needed until it was offered to us by the Helene Foundation. We had a biweekly cleaning team who came on treatment days, which allowed us to come home to a clean house!
Alternatively, if you're visiting your friend, offer to do something simple like clean the dishes, start/fold the laundry, or vacuum the carpets. Even if you can only do one thing, it’s one less thing she has to do! I had family members take ALL of our laundry during treatments weeks and then return it folded, pressed, and sorted. It was bliss!
THE GRASS STILL GROWS…AND GROWS…AND GROWS…
I started treatment in April 2018 and didn’t really become a functioning member of the family again until October 2018 - yes, I missed the prime of summer in the South! When a family member suggested they pay for a lawn service to take care of our yard during treatment, Carl and I initially thought that was over the top. However, we realized that if someone else took care of the yard instead of Carl, then it would allow him more time to spend with me and the girls instead of eating up hours outside on the weekends.
YOUNG KIDS NEED DISTRACTIONS (AND PARENTS NEED A BREAK).
At my chemo kick-off party, two friends put together an incredible gift basket for the girls - crayons, coloring books, stickers, books to read, etc. It was brilliant!
While my girls (ages 1 and 3 at the time of diagnosis) had a general idea of what was going on, all they really knew was that mom was super tired from medication. That made me less than fun for them, but it didn’t deflate their energy.
In addition to sending over activity packs, for kids you can:
Offer to come to the house and entertain young kids while the patient gets a solid nap and/or shower. Make it so she knows they’re in good hands and she can have a moment to herself.
Be on-call support. There were multiple times when I got tired EARLY - like before dinner. We had a short list of people that we would could call at a moment’s notice if Carl needed an extra hand. My sister and her husband were then, and continue to be, the MVPs of our on-call childcare!
Offer to pay for the baby-sitter when the patient is feeling good and wants to get out! This is a great idea for family who don’t live close to the patient, but want to find a way to help with the kids.
If kids are older and involved in extracurricular activities, offer to be their driver! If you want a gold star, find out their activity schedule and coordinate carpool for the semester so the patient doesn’t have to think about it at all. It’s so important to keep kids in their routines even during a parent’s treatment. Help be part of that routine!
If you have a close relationship with the kids, offer to let them spend chunks of time at your house. This was the first time Elin got to “spend the day” with a friend, and she thought it was the best day ever! Additionally, on treatment days, my parents or my sister would have the girls spend the night at their house so we could get home from the hospital and rest without worrying about the girls.
My sister and her husband, Ford, were (and continue to be) critical to our parenting success.
During chemo, they were on-call when I was too tired to function.
During surgery, they were my extra set of arms, because I couldn’t lift the girls for weeks during recovery.
DON’T FORGET THE DOGS AND CATS!
For the patient that has pets, offer to be the official dog walker after infusions (this is also a great way for a trusted high school neighbor to help!). Volunteer to clean the litter box, the bird cage, the fish tank. You don’t have to do everything for the pet, but a small act can be a big help during treatment.
Alternatively, find a local dog walking service and line it up for the months during treatment!
SURPRISE HER ON TREATMENT DAYS.
I had six chemotherapy infusions every three weeks. They were long, anxiety-filled days.
But, my sister-in-law would send me a new pair of fun earrings before each treatment, and then our family in Boston would send a beautiful bouquet of fresh flowers that would be waiting on the doorstep when we got home from the hospital.
They were small acts of kindness, but something I looked forward to - what had they picked out this time?! It brightened the mood of an otherwise dreary experience.
BE WILLING TO SIT WITH HER.
Some patients will want face-to-face time, others will want/need to rest. It’s normal that she doesn’t always want company, but be willing to be good company when she needs community. When I had friends come sit with me, they’d ask what I wanted to talk about (if I wanted to talk at all). Sometimes we’d watch a movie, other times we’d sit in the sun on my back porch and enjoy breakfast or lunch. If I was up for it, occasionally we’d walk around the neighborhood.
Carl and me at my second chemotherapy infusion (I still have hair!). And check out those fun earrings from my sister-in-law, Sarah!
I was fortunate that Carl could come with me to every infusion (and that I made friends like Claren in my infusion room). However, so many women don’t have the luxury of a family member that can join them for each treatment - it’s a lot to take off of work.
If you have a close circle of friends, create a sign-up that ensures she always has someone to sit with her in the infusion room (or the waiting room if she has tests to be run). You won’t always make conversation, but it will be a huge comfort to have someone she trusts nearby.
If you aren’t sure if she wants company, here are a few ways to ask:
"When's your next treatment? Can I come sit with you?"
"I'm signed up to drop-off food today - are you up for visitors or should I leave it by the door?"
"How does a coffee or tea sound from your favorite shop? I’ll bring it over for a coffee date, if you’re feeling up for it!”
There was more than one occasion where I had agreed to a visitor but then didn’t feel up for it when it got closer to time. Don’t be offended if this happens. Chemo and radiation do crazy things to the body. It’s impossible to predict when fatigue or nausea may strike. Just plan to reach out again.
A FEW OF HER FAVORITE THINGS…IN GIFT CARDS.
When someone is going through treatment, don’t discount the fact that they truly want to resume their normal life as quickly as possible. Gift cards allow both the patient and the family the financial freedom to enjoy their favorite activities when the patient is feeling up for it.
One mom at my daughter’s school asked me for my favorite places to eat and then pooled together gift cards for those places with money raised from other families. It was such a treat - from dinner to dessert, quick service to sit-down, when I was feeling good, we'd pick a gift card out of the batch and enjoy without having to worry about the bill.
MOST IMPORTANTLY - SHE WANTS TO HEAR FROM YOU.
If you’re thinking about a cancer patient, at the very least, send her a text:
“Hey! Thinking about you. How is treatment going?”
That’s all you have to say - really. Pinky promise. You don’t even need to offer to do one of the suggestions above!
If you want to reach out and offer to lend a hand, I recommend:
“Running errands this afternoon - what can I grab for you while I'm out?”
And then drop it off by the door.
A friend I went to grad school with at Tennessee sent me an amazing chemo goodie bag - it was full of useful things when you’re down for the count!
Maybe your friend was diagnosed a while back and you never reached out. It’s never too late to say something like:
“I'm sorry I haven't reached out - wasn't sure what to say when you were diagnosed, but I've been thinking of you. I hope treatment is going according to plan.”
Hearing from people gave me comfort that I wasn’t in this alone. And I heard from people during treatment that I hadn’t talked to in a while - a youth pastor that moved out of town years ago called and gave me one of his classic pep talks, friends in Texas that we hadn’t seen in a while called and sent a book of daily devotions, one of my best friends from middle school delivered a card and earrings to my mailbox.
Just because you haven’t talked to someone in a while, don’t make assumptions about whether or not they want to hear from you. Hearing from people filled my soul.
What will you do?
The key to serving someone during cancer treatment is recognizing that it’s a long process. Don’t think that reaching out after news of the diagnosis is all your friend needs.
In fact, it’s the people who reached out in the pit of treatment that really served our family - when I was down for the count during chemo or recovering from surgery.
Tell me in the comments - what have I forgotten to add here? What helped you or someone else during cancer treatment?